it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
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