I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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