i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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