Im at strip club and am horny
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Randomize
