I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
my poor anus
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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