You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
