Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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