I bet he comes in French.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
