I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
cat food counts as protein by the way
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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