no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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