Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
