I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
