I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
