last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize