I want to make a zoo with you.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
