Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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