24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I'm passing your future prison.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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