ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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