I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
