finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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