My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
