I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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