I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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