i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize