I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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