well I can't set my house on fire every night
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
