I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
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