so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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