i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
