Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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