Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
