My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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