you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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