tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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