It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
