i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
