exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
what day is it and did you see me today?
Even my vagina gasped.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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