No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
