well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
