And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
