sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
