she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize