I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
