All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
