I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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