is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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