I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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