Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
