Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
