he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
