well you can't waste a boner
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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