i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
