So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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