Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
