And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
