I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
