I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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