I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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