Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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