I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
