WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
where am i from again
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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