There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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