Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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