i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
